I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
