I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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