addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize