Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
