The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
