then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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