Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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