saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
