But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
