i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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