I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
