my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
