his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
