so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
