My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
You can't special order awesome
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize