Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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