I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
