I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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