He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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