I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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