mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
