I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
