nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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