Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
