watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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