Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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