nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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