You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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