Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
