Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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