Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
