I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
