Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
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