I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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