my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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