Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
