My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
