So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
