I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Randomize
