I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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