one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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