I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Two words: nipple clamps
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