I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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