he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
