I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
do herpes really smell.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Found your dick twin last night
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Randomize
