I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
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