It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
