Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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