his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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