Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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