I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
