You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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