i love accidental penises.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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