Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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