No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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