if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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