dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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