its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
