Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize